Irish joke

[Cynical Ninja]

A bloke walks into a pub goes to the bar and says “I've got an Irish joke for you” a bloke built like a brick shithouse puts his hand on his shoulder and says “before you do you should know I'm Irish, the landlord behind the bar has done time for murder and he's Irish, the bloke at the end of the bar is a bare knuckled boxer for the Irish travellers and the doorman is ex IRA. So do you still want to tell your Irish joke?”

“No way!” Says the bloke “I don't want to have to explain it four fucking times!”

[HairOfTheDog]

That was pretty good.

You know, my friend aussie is half Irish.

She may take exception to your joke (after you explain it to her).

I'm gonna hold off on spitting out any more Irish jokes til she responds. She's got her Irish mom coming to town and may be getting her drink on. I don't really wanna mess with her in that case.

[Clang McFly]

I'm half Irish as well(so I only understood half the joke).

[HairOfTheDog]

I'm half Irish as well(so I only understood half the joke).

Here's one; you only really have to get ¹⁄₃ of it for the punchline to make sense.

An Irishman is sitting at the bar:
"Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

Another Irishman chimes in:
"That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Quinns. At Quinns, you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Quinn buys you another drink."

A third Irishman pipes up.
"You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies the third man, "but it happened to my sister!"

[Clang McFly]

Lol

[crash]

A guy is walking down a alley in Belfast when all of a sudden he hears the cock of a gun and feels a barrel in his back..

A voice says "Cat'lic or Prod'tant ar' ye?"

The man replies "Ahm Jewish, aye"

The gun man says "w'll, Ahm th' luckiest Palestinians in Belfast tonight , th'n"

[HairOfTheDog]

Irish Drunks Suck

Paddy and Sean are planning to go out in Dublin on a Saturday night, but only have 5 dollars between them.

Paddy has an idea, he takes the 5 dollars, goes to a butchers and buys a sausage.

Sean is really pissed off at first that Paddy spent their last money on a sausage, but Paddy lets him in on his plan.

"We are going into the next pub, order two pints, drink them and when it comes to paying you go down on your knees, unzip my trousers, pull the sausage out and start sucking on it".

So, they go into the first pub and do exactly as Paddy suggested. The barmaid is disgusted by the sight and kicks the two out.

Paddy says: "see it works, we didn't pay did we?" As Paddy's plan seems to be working they carry on doing it...

In the 12^th pub, both are quite drunk by now, Sean isn't looking so hot. They have just finished their pints...

Sean: "I can't do this with the sausage anymore Paddy, my bloody knees are hurting as fuck...!"

Paddy: "No worries...I lost that bloody sausage in the third pub!"

[Donovan]

An Irish priest and a Rabbi both speeding and driving recklessly are involved in a tremendous car crash that does a lot of damage to parked cars, ruins both vehicles but miraculously leaves both men unharmed. As they climb out to survey the scene and exchange information they can already hear distant sirens. The priest shakes his head and says, "Not a scratch on me. Sure and it was the Blessed Mother's hand on us." The rabbi agrees and says "Maybe Jehova protected us as well. It is a miracle indeed."
The priest pulls a silver flask from his pocket, hands it to the Rabbi and says " I think after something like this we both could stand to steady our nerves, aye?" The rabbi gratefully takes the flask and drinks deeply as they hear the sirens growing closer. He says, "So what do we tell the police?"
The Irishman shrugs and puts away the flask. "Dunno about you, but I'm gonna tell them I wasn't the one drinkin' tonight."

[aussiefriend]

You know, my friend aussie is half Irish.

And my father was a Scot. My Irish grandfather told the best irish jokes.

She may take exception to your joke (after you explain it to her).

If you wouldn't mind.

[HairOfTheDog]

You know, my friend aussie is half Irish.

And my father was a Scot. My Irish grandfather told the best irish jokes.

My uncle's dad (sorta my grandpa) was a short, round, bald, full-blooded Italian. He told the best Italian jokes ever.

He was also extremely non-PC and told a lot of racy ones at extended family dinners, with the kids around. My dad and I laughed our asses off; the three of us often found ourselves being escorted by my aunt outside to the patio table to eat - shunned.

I really miss that old guy. Both of them.

[Blindgreed1]

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas....Father O'Malley rose from bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful Texas day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead on his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.....the conversation went like this...."Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how may I help you". "And the best of the day to yerself..This is Father O'Malley at St. Anne's Catholic Church. There's a jackass laying dead on me front lawn". Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites! "There was a dead silence on the line for a moment....Then Father O'Malley replied, "Aye' tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin"...