Thread Rating:
  • 1 Vote(s) - 3 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Santa letters
#1
Here's a few Santa letters I wrote that didn't work. I am working on a nicer one because that fat bitch refuses to do my bidding.

Dear Santa
This is all I want for Christmas One big assed T.V. I want the biggest baddest most technically complicated mother fuckin one your fat ass can fit in that fucking sleigh of yours. I want you to throw every fucking toy out and put that bad assed tele in your goddamn trunk homey. Thats right bitch. I've shot one of your fucking reindeer fatman, and I'm not a fuckin afraid of taking out another. Dasher is dead get over it and get your red suited hairy face and my T.V. down my carbon spitting love tunnel. Now I know you will not have all your fucking pistons firing on your lame assed shitbox but who the fuck cares you useless bastard! To fucking bad, everyone has problems. If your only gonna work one day a year my fucking heart bleeds piss for ya.

Merry Christmas
[Image: cheers.gif]
Maggot


here's the one from the next year..........

Dear Santa

Well here we are again the Christmas season and I'm sure you are thinking of new ways to fuck me. Yeah thats right, you skipped me last year and gave that fat bastard up the road a new snowblower and yes I was surprised when he came out this spring with the new riding lawnmower that you gave him. Like that fat fuck needs one! So this year I will try another approach, if you hav'nt noticed yet I have a few of your little french ticklers you call "elves" Yup, I found a few in the woods this year and "invited" them over for some fucking "cookies". So here we go ......This year I want one of those Wii things, ya know, the stupid electronic gizmos you gave everyone last year. Wilbur the elf is great target practice nailed on a board you can almost hear him scream from across the field. So if you want the little bastard back, get your red ass over here and drop off one of those game things, or the next time you see Mrs Clause it will be in a mexican porn flick with the other elf that still has his pointy godamn feet attached. And on your way past Clangs house toss one of them hungry polar bears on his roof. 

Merry Christmas
Love
Maggot


Whats in your holiday stocking?
You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.
Reply
#2
I'm asking for a goat again this year, a darling little pygmy goat, but they should have companionship so I'll take two, please. I'll be as naughty as I have to be to get what I want.
[Image: Zy3rKpW.png]
Reply
#3
You can keep sweet-talking Santa all you want Mags.

But, he's reportedly an analytical old bastard who will  likely only make decisions based on how the data in 'Maggot's nice column' weighs against the data in 'Maggot's naughty column'.  

However, there are loopholes for naughty people --- go all out on the cookies; make them 'special' so he can relax a little and maybe he'll toss a couple of less grateful people's gifts under your tree.  

I feel for the bearded old chimney-shimmier.  It's gotta be a pain in the ass when people only reach out to you once a year and only because they want something.

Anyway, an empty stocking is all I want for Christmas.  I'm tossing out stuff left and right before the move and don't want to accumulate anything more than I really need.
Reply
#4
I told you how to get rid of all that junk, stick it in amazon boxes and put it out front.
You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.
Reply
#5
It's a good idea Mags. But, I don't even want those package pirates prancing up here to pilfer pucky from my porch. Smiley_emoticons_smile

I'm using big garbage bags and hauling them down to the garage as soon as their full.

This Friday I'm hauling the first truck-load to the dump.

I think I'll have to do that at least two more times before we load the moving van next month.

Aside from photos and mementos, I really don't want to hang on to anything more than what we really need and can't be bought cheaply when we relocate.
Reply
#6
You must have to separate the living stuffings out of that trash.
You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.
Reply
#7
I'm not even worrying about separating things.

I filled up three bags full of stuff that rarely gets used yesterday: old blender, cheap coffee maker, crappy dishes and pots I've lugged from place to place for like 25 years, candles, candlesticks, paperback books...

Bag it and dump it. It's kinda freeing.
Reply
#8
Now, if Santa and his reindeer would move all that's remaining in the house to Arizona for me......................that would be the best Christmas present ever.

It's gonna cost about $3,000 to have the stuff loaded into the U-haul trailer and driven across the state (takes 5 - 7 days to arrive).

But, that was less than half the price of using a full-service moving company which would arrive the next day, and a lot safer/ less hassle than flying my brother-in-law here to drive the trailer for 13 hours.
Reply
#9
Yeah Maggot, thats no way to get to Santa. He doesn't give a shit about his wife, the elves or the reindeer. You have to hit him where it really hurts. Most likely over the head with a baseball bat and then burn his remains in the fireplace.
Reply
#10
(12-12-2018, 01:57 PM)Maggot Wrote: Here's a few Santa letters I wrote that didn't work. I am working on a nicer one because that fat bitch refuses to do my bidding.

Dear Santa
This is all I want for Christmas One big assed T.V. I want the biggest baddest most technically complicated mother fuckin one your fat ass can fit in that fucking sleigh of yours. I want you to throw every fucking toy out and put that bad assed tele in your goddamn trunk homey. Thats right bitch. I've shot one of your fucking reindeer fatman, and I'm not a fuckin afraid of taking out another. Dasher is dead get over it and get your red suited hairy face and my T.V. down my carbon spitting love tunnel. Now I know you will not have all your fucking pistons firing on your lame assed shitbox but who the fuck cares you useless bastard! To fucking bad, everyone has problems. If your only gonna work one day a year my fucking heart bleeds piss for ya.

Merry Christmas
[Image: cheers.gif]
Maggot


here's the one from the next year..........

Dear Santa

Well here we are again the Christmas season and I'm sure you are thinking of new ways to fuck me. Yeah thats right, you skipped me last year and gave that fat bastard up the road a new snowblower and yes I was surprised when he came out this spring with the new riding lawnmower that you gave him. Like that fat fuck needs one! So this year I will try another approach, if you hav'nt noticed yet I have a few of your little french ticklers you call "elves" Yup, I found a few in the woods this year and "invited" them over for some fucking "cookies". So here we go ......This year I want one of those Wii things, ya know, the stupid electronic gizmos you gave everyone last year. Wilbur the elf is great target practice nailed on a board you can almost hear him scream from across the field. So if you want the little bastard back, get your red ass over here and drop off one of those game things, or the next time you see Mrs Clause it will be in a mexican porn flick with the other elf that still has his pointy godamn feet attached. And on your way past Clangs house toss one of them hungry polar bears on his roof. 

Merry Christmas
Love
Maggot


Whats in your holiday stocking?
Thanks Fraggot. Me and the polar bear are drinking Diet Cokes together while playing Texas,Hold em.
Reply
#11
(12-12-2018, 01:57 PM)Maggot Wrote: Here's a few Santa letters I wrote that didn't work. I am working on a nicer one because that fat bitch refuses to do my bidding.

Dear Santa
This is all I want for Christmas One big assed T.V. I want the biggest baddest most technically complicated mother fuckin one your fat ass can fit in that fucking sleigh of yours. I want you to throw every fucking toy out and put that bad assed tele in your goddamn trunk homey. Thats right bitch. I've shot one of your fucking reindeer fatman, and I'm not a fuckin afraid of taking out another. Dasher is dead get over it and get your red suited hairy face and my T.V. down my carbon spitting love tunnel. Now I know you will not have all your fucking pistons firing on your lame assed shitbox but who the fuck cares you useless bastard! To fucking bad, everyone has problems. If your only gonna work one day a year my fucking heart bleeds piss for ya.

Merry Christmas
[Image: cheers.gif]
Maggot


here's the one from the next year..........

Dear Santa

Well here we are again the Christmas season and I'm sure you are thinking of new ways to fuck me. Yeah thats right, you skipped me last year and gave that fat bastard up the road a new snowblower and yes I was surprised when he came out this spring with the new riding lawnmower that you gave him. Like that fat fuck needs one! So this year I will try another approach, if you hav'nt noticed yet I have a few of your little french ticklers you call "elves" Yup, I found a few in the woods this year and "invited" them over for some fucking "cookies". So here we go ......This year I want one of those Wii things, ya know, the stupid electronic gizmos you gave everyone last year. Wilbur the elf is great target practice nailed on a board you can almost hear him scream from across the field. So if you want the little bastard back, get your red ass over here and drop off one of those game things, or the next time you see Mrs Clause it will be in a mexican porn flick with the other elf that still has his pointy godamn feet attached. And on your way past Clangs house toss one of them hungry polar bears on his roof. 

Merry Christmas
Love
Maggot


Whats in your holiday stocking?
Thanks Fraggot. Me and the polar bear are drinking Diet Cokes together while playing Texas,Hold em.
Reply
#12
(12-12-2018, 01:57 PM)Maggot Wrote: Here's a few Santa letters I wrote that didn't work. I am working on a nicer one because that fat bitch refuses to do my bidding.

Dear Santa
This is all I want for Christmas One big assed T.V. I want the biggest baddest most technically complicated mother fuckin one your fat ass can fit in that fucking sleigh of yours. I want you to throw every fucking toy out and put that bad assed tele in your goddamn trunk homey. Thats right bitch. I've shot one of your fucking reindeer fatman, and I'm not a fuckin afraid of taking out another. Dasher is dead get over it and get your red suited hairy face and my T.V. down my carbon spitting love tunnel. Now I know you will not have all your fucking pistons firing on your lame assed shitbox but who the fuck cares you useless bastard! To fucking bad, everyone has problems. If your only gonna work one day a year my fucking heart bleeds piss for ya.

Merry Christmas
[Image: cheers.gif]
Maggot


here's the one from the next year..........

Dear Santa

Well here we are again the Christmas season and I'm sure you are thinking of new ways to fuck me. Yeah thats right, you skipped me last year and gave that fat bastard up the road a new snowblower and yes I was surprised when he came out this spring with the new riding lawnmower that you gave him. Like that fat fuck needs one! So this year I will try another approach, if you hav'nt noticed yet I have a few of your little french ticklers you call "elves" Yup, I found a few in the woods this year and "invited" them over for some fucking "cookies". So here we go ......This year I want one of those Wii things, ya know, the stupid electronic gizmos you gave everyone last year. Wilbur the elf is great target practice nailed on a board you can almost hear him scream from across the field. So if you want the little bastard back, get your red ass over here and drop off one of those game things, or the next time you see Mrs Clause it will be in a mexican porn flick with the other elf that still has his pointy godamn feet attached. And on your way past Clangs house toss one of them hungry polar bears on his roof. 

Merry Christmas
Love
Maggot


Whats in your holiday stocking?
Thanks Fraggot. Me and the polar bear are drinking Diet Cokes together while playing Texas,Hold em.
Reply
#13
I know hes old, but I think he comprehended it the first time.
Reply
#14
Damn shitty work WiFi
Reply
#15
(12-12-2018, 05:36 PM)Clang McFly Wrote: Damn shitty work WiFi

It might not be the WiFi Clang.  

That coked up polar bear has a habit of spiking his hosts' drinks with speed.  

Then he tricks them into playing poker and cheats them out of everything in the house.  

Sayonara dad and Roktar.  ')
Reply
#16
Who you calling a fraggot?
Reply
#17
(12-12-2018, 05:55 PM)HairOfTheDog Wrote: Sayonara dad and Roktar.  ')

So sad?

*crocodile tears*


Only half kidding. My two kids...pets?....are a PITA but I guess I'd miss them if they were murdered by a Pilar bear.
Reply
#18
Don't worry -- you'd only get to be home alone for a few weeks, at most.

That polar bear Maggot gifted you is a crafty con artist and a thief, but he's no killer.

Your dad and brother would cramp his style pretty quick and he'd dump them back on your doorstep by New Years.
Reply
#19
listen homey, just shoot the bear, skin the fucker, lay it on the floor and take some Christmas shots FOR HOTD lets go.......chop,chop
You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.
Reply
#20
I say let the bear live and work his unconventional Christmas magic.

Clang gets the home cleaned and some alone time for a bit, and his dad and brother get a wild adventure they'll never forget.

(No shots FOR HOTD -- I don't want to be responsible for anyone's hangover.)
Reply