YOUR HOROSCOPE ~

[Duchess]

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.

[Lady Cop]

let me guess, they didn't come from Ladies Home Weekly?

i like them~
they should be a regular feature.

[IMaDick]

well mine is almost accurate, yours on the other hand fits you to a tee.

[ramseycat]

I think I am scared of myself.

[Maggot]

I can dig it.

[Lady Cop]

well what are your signs bitchflakes? i know Maggot's.

[Duchess]

ARIES WOMEN: Wildly sensual, passionate and adventurous. You'll have sex anywhere, you know what you want - intense and frequent sex, you have a need for complete control, but you're also in love with love. As a mate, you are ardent, loyal, sentimental, and earthly. Biggest thrill - the tickle of a man's facial fuzz.

ARIES MEN: Sleeping with him is like playing croquet with live bombs - you never know what is going to happen! Never expect him to wait for you to be ready - he will rip your clothes off if he is ready to go. Don't tease him or you'd better be ready to deliver. Fond of slave master games and he likes it rough. Aries men are also explorers, so be ready to go where no woman has gone before. His favourite position: a woman on her knees leaning forward.

TAURUS WOMEN: You expect your man to be kind and patient and make love to you by the book. Like to be pleased by sex, but don't look for unusual approaches. But you are a demanding lover and leave your partner breathless. You have a need for oral gratification, both giving and receiving. Best sex mates: Cancer, Sagittarius, Scorpio, and Leo. Most likely kink: sucking on your toes, one by one. You also like biting...hmmm!

TAURUS MEN: He is the ideal lover - sensitive and understanding of his partner's feelings. He prefers it slow and easy; he won't be your guide to the exotic unknown, but what he does, he does beautifully. This is the guy to go for long and luxurious oral sex. Stamina? This man could wear down a glacier! His erogenous zone: gently and slowly kiss and bite the back of his neck.

GEMINI WOMEN: Often the aggressor; you are never embarrassed by your behaviour because you never adhere to any standards except your own. Your main requirement: a lover who knows how to take his time. You are a one woman harem, but a partner should be aware that in a relationship, the gemini woman is looking for a combination of the spiritual and the physical, the romantic and the practical. You want to talk to the guy after you tumble with him! Best sex mates are Leo, Scorpio, Aquarians, Libra, and Aries. Favourite gadget: the vibrator.


GEMINI MEN: He likes it with the lights on in front of a mirror. He can work any partner into the mood because he knows exactly how to evoke the right responses. Oral sex isn't his favourite pastime, but will take his time with the other preliminaries. Tends to be fast and furious, more concerned with satisfying himself than his partner, but he is more than adequate in areas of lovemaking that are often neglected by other men. He can tell a woman exactly what she wants to hear. His erogenous zone: move your lips and tongue lightly up his arm.

CANCER WOMEN: Will never make the first move, but you can be a marvellous lover for you are capable of intense sensuality. You will reciprocate passion with a fervor that will stir his heart and stimulate him to his best performance. On your own time, you have a fondness for masturbation. Your favourite position: lying prone while your man enters you from behind. Best sex mates: Taurus, Leo, Virgo, Scorpio, and Pisces. You may become a slave to sexual pleasure!

CANCER MEN: His most surprising technique: intercourse with no hands. He has a need for constant encouragement and if gotten, he will be a delightful swain. Both patient and aggressive, he will often begin somewhere other than bad: likes being in command, and is a master at manual clitoral manipulation! You'll like the trip as it as much travelling to a place as it is arriving.

LEO WOMEN: Sleek, lascivious, enticing and lazy! Whatever Leo wants, Leo gets! Intensely responsive and there are bed partners who have scars to prove it. Your need to show off leads you to prefer the top where he can look up and admire the beauty of your body. Best sex mates: Libra, Scorpio, Saggitarius, Aries. Your sexual wardrobe: full of wispy cut-out bras and panties!


LEO MEN: Simply brushes aside rules and conventions. One important rule to remember about him: NEVER tease. His endurance is remarkable and he has a great appetite for making love. He likes women in the submissive position and oral sex is okay when he is on the receiving end. He likes a woman to show how much she is enjoying it. His erogenous zone: his back is particularly vulnerable.

VIRGO WOMEN: You have no illusions about sex and wish everyone would stop magnifying its importance. Prefer men who will wait for the relationship to develop to the point where sex is inevitable. You love mutual masturbation and enjoy a little punishment, and your grace and modesty is a great turn on. You become an artist at pleasing your lover. Favourite kink: can't truly enjoy it unless a third party is present. Best sex mates: Gemini, Cancer and Aquarians.


VIRGO MEN: Too shy to make an overture, but when the moment arrives, you had better be prepared for him to bring his pajamas, shaving equipment, and toothbrush. He likes to talk about how you like it and having talked about it, he will key in on the right erotic response. Don't expect imagination, but he is a hard worker and is open to suggestion. His secret life: can be obsessed with pornography. Erogenous zones: his buttocks.

LIBRA WOMEN: Drama is the key word - you set the stage for sex. Intensely feminine and an instinctive exhibitionist. You feel your body was made to be seen and admired. Feel that seduction is an art, not an assault. When approached the right way, you find it easy to say yes to almost anything. Unusual control of vaginal muscles. Best sex mates: Aries, Gemini, Leo, Scorpio, Saggitarius, and Aquarius. Like any position where your buttocks are exposed.


LIBRA MEN: Looks for the whole experience, not just a tumble between the sheets. Has a definite kinky side, a voyeur and fond of the menage a trois. He has the patience needed to satisfy. He like women who dress well and have long hair. If a woman's clothes look as though they are easily removed, he finds her hard to ignore. Erogenous zone: back and buttocks, especially the feel of erect nipples against either of them!

SCORPIO WOMEN: Inquisitive, searching and experimental. Knows that eroticism consists of more than the physical act of lovemaking. While looking like a perfect lady in public, you dress and act like a whore in the bedroom. Control of the orgasm is very important and will try anything to help your man maintain his potency. You never take no for answer and when interested in someone, you will pursue him with determination and guile. Best sex mates: Gemini, Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces. Props you love: scented body oils, flavoured lubricating gels, and vibrators.


SCORPIO MEN: A lustful, sexy animal. Enjoys biting and sucking and is a master of oral sex. Inflicting pain turns him on so he may pinch at nipples or the inside of thighs. Likes it in water, but his kink is that the prefers wood tables and hard floors to satin and silk. His erogenous zone is his genitalia.

SAGITTARIUS WOMEN: You like the outdoors - freaking out if you are in a tent, camper, or on the beach. You enjoy sex, but you don't like to prolong the preliminaries and want to start the main show as soon as possible. Like to tease your partner to the point of losing control. You don't mind if your partner comes too quickly - you are a generous and accepting lover. Best sex mates: Leo, Libra, and Aquarius. Your sexual wardrobe will consist of accessories - gloves and shoes!


SAGITTARIUS MEN: Sex is rarely an intense experience with him - he often comes too quickly, but he'll be the first to try a new position. He is the master of erotic massage - both oral and manual. His tongue can be a wicked instrument and when combined with his lips, creates an explosive effect! Erogenous zones: hips and thighs. And he likes to look at a woman's calves and thighs, and likes to have sex with a woman in stockings.

CAPRICORN WOMEN: Don't need much foreplay - you go straight from zero to WOW in nothing flat! Not interested in exotic variation; only staying in power. Since you like to dominate, you like to be astride your man, set a rhythym, and please yourself. Once into a rhythym, lovemaking becomes a wild contest with orgasm as the prize and you can depend on getting here more than once. Also a scratcher and screamer. Best sex mates: Taurus, Scorpio and Pisces.


CAPRICORN MEN: Sex evokes the best he can offer. He is a planner and a schemer (that is schemer, not a screamer!). Prefers a woman who knows what he enjoys, and he expects her to be willing and ready whenever he wants her. Has the stamina of a marathon runner. Here is the man who will hold off until you are ready to scream! Erogenous zone: a massage that starts at the lower back and gently strokes upward along the sides of his spine.

AQUARIUS WOMEN: A slow starter, you idealise love and encompass it with tenderness. Once aroused though, anything goes! Extremely imaginative and likes to try new things. There is nothing in any sex manual that you won't try. Belief that anything that increases the pleasure for your partner is worthwhile. Best sex mates: Arie, Gemini, Libra, Sagittarius and Aquarius. Favourite sex position: standing up, and in water.


AQUARIUS MEN: Never treats a woman like a sex object and prefers a variety of foreplay before getting down to it. May have to be revved up, but once his engine is started, he is free and inventive with amazing persistance. He will always see you through to climax. A woman that knows what she wants will be very happy. He usually ensures an orgasm twice - once orally and once genitally. Erogenous zones: gently touching the calves and ankles will get him going. Be careful though - a kinky Aquarian can be a sadist who doesn't like to be denied!

PISCES WOMEN: Always make the right moves, say the right things, and create the right ambiance. You aresexually liberated and enjoy a wide range of eroticism. If his fantasies coincide with yours, the action can really get torrid! You seldom say no to anything your lover suggests! Favourite places: in a waterbed or hot tub. Best sex mates: Cancer, Scorpio, Capricorn, Pisces.


PISCES MEN: Takes the lead in lovemaking and impatient if he doesn't get a swift response. Indifferent to sexual restrictions, both moral and legal; prefers a partner with a tremendous sexual craving. Likes sex in a chair. He likes to be submissive. Becomes an addict to anything that will give pleasure and release. Erogenous zones: massaging and caressing his feet

[BlueTiki]

ARIES WOMEN

Thank you for this!

[Duchess]

Thank you for this!

[Jimbone]

Mine was wrong.

[Duchess]

Mine was wrong.

I thought so too.

[Jimbone]

Hmmm, I'm not sure exactly how you mean that

[Duchess]

Hmmm, I'm not sure exactly how you mean that

It says oral sex isn't your favorite pasttime. I disagree.

[ramseycat]

This Scorpio woman needs a Scorpio man.

[Jimbone]

You are correct, however that could be meant either way... receiving or giving.

Which is my favorite past time?

[Duchess]

Which is my favorite past time?

Receiving of course.

[Jimbone]

I'm not that selfish actually. It's a ⁵⁰⁄₅₀ draw on that question.

Don't get me wrong though, bj's are great.