Jokes I like

[Blindgreed1]

Your jokes are about as funny as your personality. *yawns* Let me know if you wanna read some jokes that are actually funny.

So you aren't a weathergirl you DO always think you're right? Go on then you humourless old fart, let's hear your “funny” jokes otherwise shut the fuck up grandma.

As you wish:
Dave goes to the doctor and asks if he had ever laughed at a patient. "In over twenty years I haven't. I do my best to remain professional." With that, Dave dropped his trousers to reveal the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen. It was no bigger than a AAA battery. The doctor burst intro uncontrollable laughter, wipes away his tears, takes a deep breath and says "I'm sorry, I really am. It won't happen again. Now how can I help you?"

Dave replied: "It's swollen."

A 13 year-old old paperboy knocks on the door of one of his customers. A beautiful 20 year-old woman answers the door in nothing but a transparent nightie and asks him what she can do to help him. He tells her that she owes him for four weeks' bill and that he needs the money. She wanted to know how much she owes him and he figures that, at four dollars a week for four weeks, she owes him 16 dollars. She told him that she doesn't have the 16 bucks but she will take him to bed and promise to make his teeth sweat. The kid figures, ‘what the hell’ and follows her into the house.
They go into the bedroom where she gets naked and lies on the bed, touching herself provocatively. He drops his paperbag from his shoulder and pulls his pants down, revealing an 11-inch member! He reaches into the bag and pulls out styrofoam spacers and starts to slide them over his penis to make it shorter. The girl says to him “Oh, don't worry boy, I can take all of that!” He looks up at her out of one eye and says ''Not for 16 dollars bitch!”

Everyday at the office, a man walks up to a woman named Mary, takes a big breath of fresh air and says, "Your hair smells lovely today!" After about a fortnight of this, Mary went to work relations to complain. The manager said, "What's wrong with him saying your hair smells nice?"

Mary replied, "It's Keith, the dwarf!"

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Little Johnny walks in on his mother while she's showering and points to her patch and asks "What's THAT"? His mother answers "That's my wash cloth; now run along Johnny". The next day Johnny walks in on his mother while she's taking a shower and in amazement points to where her patch USED to be and says "What happened to your wash cloth"? "I lost it" she replied "Now run along Johnny". Moments later Johnny bursts through the bathroom door and exclaimed "I found your wash cloth... The maid has it and she's washing Daddy's face with it"!

For Duchess:
A teacher excitedly addressed her entire class on how proud she was to be a Dallas Cowboys fan. Afterwards she asked for each student to stand up and announce to the rest of the class who their favorite team was. Each and every student in the class said that the Dallas Cowboys was their favorite team except for one little girl who stood up and said proudly "The Philladelphia Eagles". The teacher asked her why she was an Eagles fan and the little girl replied "because my mommy and daddy are both eagles fans". Pertebed, the teacher asks "what if your mommy and dadddy were both morons? Would you be a moron too"? "No" replied the girl, "i'd be a Cowboy fan".

One for the season:
'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude. Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied its bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, I'll just stay here awhile.
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.
He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!