07-04-2016, 09:02 AM
In answer to your original post: a very large part of what broke my relationship up was the concept of nonviolent communication. I can't take screaming matches or fighting due to how I grew up. Nothing makes me shut down and withdraw emotion more quickly than people screaming at me. My ex, on the other hand, lived through about 20 years of abusive, violent relationships and came away with the idea that that is normal, so that's what she does and she has learned well. She practiced every form of abusive behavior, classic textbook stuff, and when the expected result didn't happen (me getting loud or violent) she wasn't able to process.
Nonviolent communication does work, it's the keystone of my entire career. With your family member who engages violently and the rest who victim blame you, remaining silent is probably not your best option. You can and should stand your ground on the issues important to you, but the key is refusing to engage in the person's attempt to derail you. Know your message and repeat it every time they try to scream, shout, or otherwise distract. "I do not choose to entertain your behavior. It isn't healthy and I don't enjoy it." If that becomes your standard answer for EVERY outburst, eventually they'll stop coming because the person isn't getting his emotional charge out of the outburst, at least with you. You might have to say it thirty times. But don't yell, change it up, engage his baiting or allow it to be derailed, and it will work.
Nonviolent communication does work, it's the keystone of my entire career. With your family member who engages violently and the rest who victim blame you, remaining silent is probably not your best option. You can and should stand your ground on the issues important to you, but the key is refusing to engage in the person's attempt to derail you. Know your message and repeat it every time they try to scream, shout, or otherwise distract. "I do not choose to entertain your behavior. It isn't healthy and I don't enjoy it." If that becomes your standard answer for EVERY outburst, eventually they'll stop coming because the person isn't getting his emotional charge out of the outburst, at least with you. You might have to say it thirty times. But don't yell, change it up, engage his baiting or allow it to be derailed, and it will work.
Thank god I am oblivious to the opinions of others while caught in the blinding splendor of my own cleverness.