Dear Maggot MD

[Maggot]

Deer Maggot MD,

I'm having a root canal done tomorrow morning. Would it be better to chicken out and have them just extract the tooth? Like seriously, the tooth isn't even hurting anymore like it was a few weeks ago. So no tooth pain should equal no painful root canal, right?

aHHHHH. Dentistry! I've always wanted to be a dentist, since I was a wee lad. but alas I took the left fork in the road (I blame it on the nuns) at any rate because I know you and because I think you deserve the best I have a solution, quick, easy and painless.

Go to Vinnies bowling alley and purchase a pitcher of beer. Bowl a string, buy another, bowl a string buy another, you get the picture. When you feel good and comfy go see Marge, she works at the counter selling cigarettes. Tell her she needs to shave her lip and earhair at least when she goes out. Say it loud so it shows that you know about her hearing problem. Wait 2 seconds and put the "bad toothy" side towards her.

You will get instant relief because she is studying to become a ball park slugger and will be happy to practice on the pain you have. She might even say "oops" but you never know as a former patient of mine she tends to lash out at people but I have cured her of that. at least until she ran out of welfare checks.

Good luck and bowl a string for all the poor children in Rangoon.