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- Jurassic - 03-30-2009
ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought
the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3⁄4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. ..?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dumbass,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .. .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P.s... My wife, who can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!
- Jurassic - 03-30-2009
Stuttering Cat
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he
jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssssh, Sssssh, Sssssh and before she could say 'Sh1t!', the Rottweiler ate her!'
The teacher had to leave the room.
- D - 03-30-2009
Jurassic Wrote:Stuttering CatOh that's just fucking hilarious!
[color="black"]A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. [/color]
[color="black"]'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he
jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssssh, Sssssh, Sssssh and before she could say 'Sh1t!', the Rottweiler ate her!'
The teacher had to leave the room. [/color]
And as for your original post about the guy tasing himself... there's been 4 or 5 guys in various news sources who did that. One of them gouged a huge chunk out of his leg with the taser prong. Dumb fucks. Hell, try it on the dog or something
Actually that's what the guy who gouged his leg was originally going to do, but he was afraid of hurting the dog. HAHAHAHAHA!
- Maggot - 03-30-2009
HOW TO GET PERMISSION TO PLAY GOLF
Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation
took place:
First Guy:
'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this
weekend.. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house
next weekend.'
Second Guy:
'That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck
for the pool.'
Third Guy:
'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel
the kitchen for her.'
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has
Not said a word.
So they ask him, 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be
able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'
Fourth guy:
'I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on
the ass and said: 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said: 'Wear sun-block
- D - 03-30-2009
Maggot Wrote:HOW TO GET PERMISSION TO PLAY GOLF
Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation
took place:
First Guy:
'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this
weekend.. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house
next weekend.'
Second Guy:
'That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck
for the pool.'
Third Guy:
'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel
the kitchen for her.'
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has
Not said a word.
So they ask him, 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be
able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'
Fourth guy:
'I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on
the ass and said: 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said: 'Wear sun-block
Great punch line there. I about pissed myself laughing. Sounds like something I'd do