Favorite Jokes

[Midwest Spy]

Sam Kinison always used to crack me up. One of my favorites of his, and, of course paraphrasing:

'So after being married and now divorced, I'm gonna really live it up, and start using women the way I want. My goal every time with a new woman will be to leave her sticky, broke and confused.

I want her to wake up in the middle of the night after I've had my way with her, realize I'm not there anymore and utter these words, 'What's this stuff all over my back, where's my purse, why the hell is the window open...'

[Midwest Spy]

I heard you couldn't hit water if you fell out of a fucking boat!

[Ma Huang Sor]

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

[Donovan]

Guy goes on a vacation with his family, first one he's had in years, and asks his brother to come stay at the family farm to watch over the pets and their elderly grandmother. After a week or so the guy calls home to check on things and asks his brother how it's going.
"Well, your cat's dead," says the brother.
The man is stunned and asks what happened and the brother says, "Fell off the roof."
After taking a few moments to collect himself, the man tells his brother, "Listen, Joey, you can't just spring terrible news like that on somebody, 'Well your cat's dead'. You gotta soften the blow a little, kinda lead them up to it gently so it isn't a shock."
"How so?" says the brother.
"For starters, don't just blurt it out. Say something like, 'Hey, there's some awful news. See, the cat was upstairs in the attic, and we had left the window open, and she crawled out on the roof chasing a bird, but the roof was slick from the rain we had, and then the cat slipped and fell before we could catch her, and I'm afraid she didn't make it.' Something like that, you know?"
The brother says, "I never thought of it that way, you're right. I'm sorry bro."
The man says, "That's okay, no real harm done. So how's Gramma?"
The brother pauses and says, "Well, Gramma was up in the attic, see, and she crawled out onto the roof chasing this bird..."

[Donovan]

When I was growing up we lived in a family whose adults were all working class folk, and pretty salty with their language, even around us kids. For example, my dad used to have this little routine joke he'd say every Sunday to my mom, right before breakfast. He'd holler, "Hey sugartits, how about you make us a big fucking plate of pancakes?" And he'd wink at us, mom with laugh and scold him and soon there would be pancakes as ordered.

But one week when I was about ten Mom happened to be out of town visiting family, so instead of breakfast at home dad decided to take my brother and I to Denny's. When the pretty waitress leaned down to ask me what I wanted to order, I got a bright idea and answered, "Well, sugartits, howsabout you bring me a big fucking plate of pancakes?" And I winked at my dad. Without so much as a word, he reached across the table and slapped the hell out of me, knocked me right out of the booth and onto the floor.

I could tell the waitress was shocked because she turned beet red and tried to move right on pretending she hadn't seen or heard what just happened, asking my little six year old brother, "And what would you like, little man?"
My brother looked at me, looked at my dad, then turned to the waitress: "Well, sugartits, you can bet your sweet ass I don't want any fucking pancakes."

[Ma Huang Sor]

[Teacher]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."


The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over twenty-five years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man."And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."

[Duchess]

Hahaha!

[ramseycat]

^^^ ahahahahaaa! love that one!

[Duchess]

Granite counter tops are forever...

...peckers cum and go.

[Ma Huang Sor]

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

[ramseycat]

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

[Teacher]

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**


**'Hello?'**




**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mummy near the phone?'**




**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**






**After a brief pause,**








**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**






**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy,**
**Right now.'**






Brief Pause.






**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**




**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**




**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**




**'I did it, Daddy.'**



**'And what happened, honey?' **


'Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**





**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**





**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**





**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**





**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.** **He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**








*****Long Pause*****









*****Longer Pause*****









*****Even Longer Pause*****








**Then Daddy says,**






**'Swimming pool? ............**





**Is this 955-5566 ?'*










*No, I think you have the wrong number.........

[Ma Huang Sor]

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''

[Teacher]

DAMN FINE EXPLANATION


The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife,
the mother of your children!
I'm leaving you .. I want a
divorce right away!'

And the husband replied,
'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young
lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took
pity on her and let her into the car..

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor
thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and
don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,



'Please ..... Do you have anything else that
your wife doesn't use?

[Teacher]

Old Italian Golfer


An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,' how do you stay in such great physical condition?'


I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'


'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'


'Who said my Father's dead?'


The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'


'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'


'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'


'Who said my Nono's dead?'


Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather' s still living! Incredible, how old is he?'


'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.


The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'


'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'


At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'


'Who said he wanted to?

[Lady Cop]

Teacher, you come up with the funniest jokes!!

[Donovan]

An elderly woman on her deathbed calls for her husband of 75 years. When he comes into the room, she asks him to look under the bed for an old shoebox, and to bring it out and open it. He does as he is asked. Inside are six eggs and bundles of money, what appears to be thousands of dollars.
"I have a confession to make" she says. "Over the years, whenever we made love and you didn't satisfy me sexually, instead of getting mad I would take an egg and place it into the box to remind me about the beauty of procreation."
The old man frowns for a moment, then says, "I suppose I should be upset with you, but six eggs in 75 years is not so bad I guess. Anyway there is a lot of money here too. What's all this?"
The old woman says, "Well, every time I got to a dozen eggs I'd sell it for a dollar..."

[Teacher]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
At 5:30 that afternoon, his 11 year old son, Tommy, returned home from school two hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John..

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked his mother, Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

[Teacher]

>
> *CURTAIN RODS --- *
>
>
> On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings
> into boxes, crates and suitcases.
>
> On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
>
> On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful
> dining-room table,
> by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a
> pound of shrimp,
> a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
>
> When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few
> half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain
> rods.
>
> He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
>
> On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first
> all was bliss.
>
> Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
> They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
>
> Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
>
> Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set
> off gas
> canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and
> in the
> end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.. Nothing
> worked!
> People stopped coming over to visit.
>
> Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
>
> Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided
> they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut
> their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
>
> Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to
> return their calls.
>
> Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a
> huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
>
> Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him
> the
> saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed
> his old
> home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in
> exchange for having the house.*
> **
> Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, *
> *she agreed on a price that was only 1/10^th of what the house *
> *had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.**
> **
> He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed
> paperwork.**
> **
> A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they *
> *watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home
> ......*
>
>
> *and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!*
>
>
> *I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?*

>