Dear Maggot MD

[HairOfTheDog]

Dear Maggot,

You posted in a previous thread that you were the Mock psychiatrist. I hope you can help me with this very serious dilemna, and maybe you can also assist other Mockers who might need some advice in times of crisis.

I bought a bottle of Seagrams Diet Tonic Water about three months ago. I cannot open it. I have tried beating the cap rim with a knife over and over; no go. I have banged it against the edge of my counter multiple times and twisted and shouted; still not budging. I have bruised my thighs squeezing it between them with a rubber band around the top and twisting madly for minutes; nope.

Should I just throw the bastard away, or do you have another suggestion? Have I brought this upon myself?

Thank you for your professional mock insight.
HairOfTheDog

[Lady Cop]

one year he was the Mock gynecologist .

[HairOfTheDog]

one year he was the Mock gynecologist .

I always believe Maggot. His aim is true.

I sure hope he can help me, LC. That damn bottle of water made it through last weekend's cleanfest. I now worry that I have an unhealthy and adversarial relationship with it. Only Maggot has the answers.

[Ma Huang Sor]

Dear Maggot,

You posted in a previous thread that you were the Mock psychiatrist. I hope you can help me with this very serious dilemna, and maybe you can also assist other Mockers who might need some advice in times of crisis.

I bought a bottle of Seagrams Diet Tonic Water about three months ago. I cannot open it. I have tried beating the cap rim with a knife over and over; no go. I have banged it against the edge of my counter multiple times and twisted and shouted; still not budging. I have bruised my thighs squeezing it between them with a rubber band around the top and twisting madly for minutes; nope.

Should I just throw the bastard away, or do you have another suggestion? Have I brought this upon myself?

Thank you for your professional mock insight.
HairOfTheDog

Great post. I just so enjoyed it.

[HairOfTheDog]

Dear Maggot,

You posted in a previous thread that you were the Mock psychiatrist. I hope you can help me with this very serious dilemna, and maybe you can also assist other Mockers who might need some advice in times of crisis.

I bought a bottle of Seagrams Diet Tonic Water about three months ago. I cannot open it. I have tried beating the cap rim with a knife over and over; no go. I have banged it against the edge of my counter multiple times and twisted and shouted; still not budging. I have bruised my thighs squeezing it between them with a rubber band around the top and twisting madly for minutes; nope.

Should I just throw the bastard away, or do you have another suggestion? Have I brought this upon myself?

Thank you for your professional mock insight.
HairOfTheDog

Great post. I just so enjoyed it.

As long as Maggot doesn't recommend a solution that ties into his previous gynelogical practice, I feel confident that he can help me, Ma.

[Lady Cop]

actually i fail to see how a psychiatrist could be of assistance in this dilemma. they are notoriously useless. i would take a coping saw to the damn thing, THEN throw it away.

[username]

If you've bruised your thighs squeezing it between them, I'd say you've already gone over the edge.

Electra complex.

[HairOfTheDog]

actually i fail to see how a psychiatrist could be of assistance in this dilemma. i would take a coping saw to the damn thing, THEN throw it away.

That's just it, LC. I still have hope. Every few days, I open the fridge and try again. I keep thinking, "this time, it's gonna open up to me, just like it should." I don't want to damage it or dump it and render it a useless investment, unless it's absolutely necessary. I just can't quit it prematurely. This is why I seek professional mock advice.

[HairOfTheDog]

Alright, alright all of you nay-sayers. Let's leave it up to the professional. If he agrees that I should kick it to the curb without qualm, I will do so without hesitation.

[Lady Cop]

i've dumped annoying husbands in less time.

[HairOfTheDog]

i've dumped annoying husbands in less time.

Yeah, but they had the ability to speak.

[username]

actually i fail to see how a psychiatrist could be of assistance in this dilemma. they are notoriously useless.

Oh I don't know. Maybe a little adderall would fix her right up.

You could do what I did and marry a bottle opener.

[username]

i've dumped annoying husbands in less time.

Yeah, but they had the ability to speak.

And therein lies the problem.

[Lady Cop]

i've dumped annoying husbands in less time.

Yeah, but they had the ability to speak.

well not really, once i informed them of their right to remain silent. or rather their wisdom in remaining silent.

just kidding around you guys!

[HairOfTheDog]

I'm not detracted by all of you pessimists. I will not delete my avatar and scurry into seclusion. Yes, this thread could actually draw some away from finding out what other mockers have in store for dinner, but only momentarily.

I await the PROFESSIONAL mock advice sought in the opening post.

[ramseycat]

Ok, obvously I am not Mag but have you tried one of those rubber jar/bottle opener thingys? You know they are flat and circular and the rubber is textured so you can grip the cap or top? I have a bunch of those and I use them all the time.

[username]

Fuck that! He's obviously with another patient.

Have you tried an adjustable wrench?

If it's a plastic bottle, you could always stab it and collect the liquid in another container. Has a certain satanic appeal to me.

[ramseycat]

Stab it ahahahahhhahaa

[Ma Huang Sor]

As long as you poured the offal on a willing victim, you mean?

Whats the diff twixt a soccer mom and a lacrosse mom?

[Ma Huang Sor]

Stab it ahahahahhhahaa

You're really good. Why I adore you. Those that say I kiss your ass are owned.