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CANTON, OH—Overjoyed Cigna executives celebrated the health insurer’s 50 billionth fucking over of a customer Thursday, personally surprising 56-year-old spinal trauma victim Clyde Gershon with champagne, confetti, and hundreds of multicolored balloons as they denied his most recent disability claim.
The wheelchair-bound Gershon, who has required an expensive regimen of pills and physical therapy since a 2010 car crash, was greeted at his front door by cheering, party-hat-wearing members of Cigna’s senior management, who posed for pictures while presenting him with an oversized cardboard “Claim Denied!” letter explaining that he was judged fit to return to work and would lose all coverage at the end of the month.
“We did it! We’ve completely and utterly fucked over a customer for the 50 billionth time," exclaimed CEO David Cordani, drawing a vibrant round of applause as Gershon, gaunt and dejected, stared blankly off into the distance. “Ruining this many lives is an accomplishment no one ever could have dreamed of back in 1982 when Cigna was founded. And today, I can proudly say we have not only achieved it, but inflicted an incalculable amount of mental anguish along the way.”
“So congratulations, Mr. Gershon, you poor son of a bitch.
Story
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DID I READ THAT CORRECTLY?
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Good news! I think we are switching to Cigna for our health insurance... I hope I can get fucked over too!
Gotta love The Onion!
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(09-28-2012, 11:31 AM)krystalshores Wrote: DID I READ THAT CORRECTLY?
Yes.
The Onion is mocking the insurance co.
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I do not work for Cigna. Just sayin...
Devil Money Stealing Aunt
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There's about 3% of the population that takes advantage of insurance companies, while the rest of us take it straight up the ass sans lube.
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(09-28-2012, 01:28 PM)Midwest Spy Wrote: There's about 3% of the population that takes advantage of insurance companies, while the rest of us take it straight up the ass sans lube.
You noticed that too, huh. Some people make a huge profit because they have a tiny loss and 97% of us get screwed when we lose everything. No matter what happens it's the one thing that isn't covered.
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I read your post Ms D, and couldn't believe it. Then I read the Onion story, and couldn't believe "Cigna" would publicly admit to all those fuck overs!
I must be missing something!
Carsman: Loves Living Large
Home is where you're treated the best, but complain the most!
Life is short, make the most of it, get outta here!
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It's a mock, Cars. It's not meant to be taken seriously.
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(09-30-2012, 06:12 AM)Duchess Wrote:
It's a mock, Cars. It's not meant to be taken seriously.
There you go that's me!
I really was skeptical, and I knew it couldn't be for real.
Carsman: Loves Living Large
Home is where you're treated the best, but complain the most!
Life is short, make the most of it, get outta here!
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That would've been fucking awesome though! A CEO sick of fucking people over...hehe
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