Facial Hair and Fuckupedness

[Cracker]

We have a saying in Mock: Eyebrows tell a tale.

Never trust a bitch with crazy ass eyebrows:





Men don't seem as affected by this, so I they can grow theirs out into huge horns when they are old as long as they trim ear and nose hairs. Although there are exceptions:



That led me to my current hypothesis. People who can't manage their own facial hair are not to be trusted. Especially the most carefree hairs on the human body, eyelashes. How the fuck do you screw up eyelashes?



Do people think we don't notice the complete and total lack of eyelashes? How does that happen? And can you trust someone who can't manage to care for their own eyelashes? They even make fake ones.

Eyelashes protect the eye from debris. They keep out the big stuff. They are akin to whiskers on a cat and serve as a warning when objects approach our eyes. Eyelashes are so important, they have their own sebaceous glands and sweat glands. If you don't have eyelashes, does sweat and oil leak directly into your eyes? Because that is gross.

Long eyelashes are considered a sign of femininity in cultures around the world. Women (and men, at times) have been enhancing their eyelashes since the Bronze Age. Eyelashes are important.

Women who have a mustache or noticeable side burns also should be suspect. Most women spend time in front of a mirror. They have to notice. At what point do you not care that you have a mustache or man hair on your face? Is it too much bother to remove them regularly? If you don't bother to make the effort to groom yourself, what else is funky on you?

Triple whammy, to be avoided at all costs:




Now the crowning glory! Hair is a woman's crowning glory. While I feel sorry for women who are losing their hair, there are things that can be done about it. If you aren't blessed with beautiful hair like Cracker, you will need to spend that extra half hour in the morning doing something with your greasy, thinning mess. Using a barrette to pin back your greasy mess doesn't fool anybody. Especially if you have darker hair. We can still see your scalp.

Unkempt women aren't clean. We all have our slouch days, but most women make the effort to appear as pleasing as possible. Women who don't keep their appearance up and don't clean their homes are to be avoided. Unless you want to be on TV, in which case I will gladly call Hoarders for you.

This hair style does NOT hide baldness:

[Sorry, couldn't find another picture (except in the member photo thread) of anyone with their hair in a barrette with greasy, floppy bangs. I guess most people know better.)

If you are balding, get a nice cut and tease your hair on the top. Use hair spray and a texturizing spray to make yourself look presentable. At least wash your hair every day to make sure your hair is clean and full and free of grease.

While some of you will think Cracker shallow, most of you understand the need for good grooming and self-improvement. I think some older women think they can rest on their laurels, but they are used to their own redundant style and find it much more attractive than most. Most men wouldn't trade a clean, comfortable home and a nice-looking woman for snappy repartee.

If you can't manage to control the things that grow (or don't grow, as the case may be) on your head, you can't be a shining light for the Internet. Because you need to step away from the monitor and head for the mirror and the treadmill. And the shower. And the cleaning supplies under the sink.

See, Cracker is helpful. Don't hate me because I understand the difference between fuckedupness and fuckable. You can trade one for the other if you put in a little effort.