Old Jokes

[D]

I recently came across my old jokes file and thought you guys might enjoy some of them. Posting them now because everyone seems to be boring, a FAIL, a cunt, or some combination thereof today. And you DON'T want me to get bored.

You are a statue

A woman and her lover are in bed together when suddenly, her husband comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder. "Don't move! You're a statue!" she says.

The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she.

The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to the 'statue' and says, "Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smith's, and they never fed me a thing!"

Relationship with god

77 year old Morris went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Cohen said, "Morris everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with yourself, and have a good relationship with God?"

Morris replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, *poof* . . . the light goes on when I go to the bathroom and then *poof* the light goes off!"

"Wow," commented Dr. Cohen, "That's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Cohen called Morris's wife. "Becky," he said, "Morris is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom and then *poof* the light goes off?"

Becky replied, "The darn fool! . . . He's peeing in the fridge again!"

Janet Reno's advice to Hillary

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks, and Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."

Janet responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asks, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?"

Janet, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can."

That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slips into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him.

She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and says, "Janet, is that you?"

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.

The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting.

For $5.00 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised, but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there,

but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've

ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing, but after a couple minutes starts digging down in her purse.

She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

"So, you want the nice romantic evening in my room," asks the old man.

"Get serious," she replies, "Four times in the rocker!"

Catholic School Girls

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all ascending to heaven, trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any
contact with a penis?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of
one with the tip of my finger."

ST. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water
and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have
you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled
and stroked one."

St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and
pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls,
one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches
the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy
Water....... I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it.".

GM vs. Microsoft

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer
industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology
like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars
that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors
issued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself): If GM had developed
technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following

characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have tobuy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.