hypothetical: calling all evil vagina monsters

[FAHQTOO]

PS is it bad if I imagine FQ2 getting so mad at me that she rips off all her clothes, and then we kiss? I'm not saying I did, but hypothetically...is that bad?

Hypothetically...I would rather stab myself in the juggelar before I let you kiss me. Hypothetically and all. It's not like I really would. I would stab you!

Haha! If we ever hooked up, one of us would be dead in a week. I wonder which one...

You wouldn't be able to reach my "juggelar" from where I'd be kissing. You could stab the top of my head, maybe.

And I would definitely be the one dead in a week. You'd probably give me some exotic disease like Ginger-vitis.

Women gonna be the death of me...but what a way to go.

Haha!

[sally]

It sounds to me like she's playing some kind of game with you for revenge. Or it's quite possible she's just a cunt. But think hard, did you ever do or say anything to make her jealous? That's sometimes a hard question for men because they do and say stupid shit without even realizing it. I'd like to think there are two sides to every story and she's not just an evil bitch.

[Donovan]

It sounds to me like she's playing some kind of game with you for revenge. Or it's quite possible she's just a cunt. But think hard, did you ever do or say anything to make her jealous? That's sometimes a hard question for men because they do and say stupid shit without even realizing it. I'd like to think there are two sides to every story and she's not just an evil bitch.

Unfortunately it's a little more complicated than that, at least for her, and I by no means consider her an evil bitch. Truthfully I think she's a product of twenty years of really bad choices in men, partially at her own doing chasing the metal bad boys, and partly just really being stuck in fucked up abusive relationships. She learned to fight nasty, go for the throat, and at the same time her head is so fucked up she doesn't know how to deal with a person who doesn't fight in front of kids, won't raise a voice or a hand to her, but who doesn't back down. Weak willed, I am not.

So she gets these moments of batshit, says or does something really damaging to our relationship, and then can't back off the point until she has absolutely gone thermonuclear. She's insanely jealous and insecure because of all the guys who cheated on her. One time she melted down because I made a crack about a Seahawks fan who had body painted the team logo over her large tits. Wasn't even a real woman we knew, just some meme my GF's friend posted. She fought me for a week over that.

Bottom line is, she's deeply damaged by life, and I can sympathize with that. 23 years doing what I do has taught me an amazing amount of patience and understanding of people who aren't fully in control of their emotions. But christ it's wearying.

This fucking bouncer she was window shopping? Dude broke up with her after three months, by fabricating an affair he was having with an imaginary stripper. Dude INVENTED a cheating incident in order to dump my GF.

And this is the guy I'm losing to. Unfuckingbelievable.

[Duchess]

I think Auntie Duchess can help with the GF. Send her to me.

[Love Child]

!

[username]

I still haven't read this thread thoroughly. It's insulting to me that you doubt my/our (certain members excluded) intelligence such that you felt the need to go to the trouble to change the genders around because...what? You think we're all man-haters and incapable of giving you a direct response without you making a god damn mess of your post?

Blind study my ass. Retarded is more like it.

Username is not pleased.

Carry on with your childish self.

[Mohammed]

So first Jonovan is having a sparkling time but not, then Jonovan ain't Donovan but Donovan is Eva, and the actual Jonovan is a female psychopath with a Biker boyfriend who creates an imaginary chick to brake up with Jonovan, who has more baggage than a commuter train in Mumbai? And Eva aka Donovan is confused because of a 5 year old boy?

Do what Nicholas Cage did when he was still cool in that Arizona movie. Take the boy, that evil biker guy in the movie is your best buddy anyway from the looks of it, and all 3 of you can vroom vroom together towards a wonderful sunset towards a tranquil and fun filled life of hairy happiness!

Some people are just so wonderfully weird.

[Donovan]

So first Jonovan is having a sparkling time but not, then Jonovan ain't Donovan but Donovan is Eva, and the actual Jonovan is a female psychopath with a Biker boyfriend who creates an imaginary chick to brake up with Jonovan, who has more baggage than a commuter train in Mumbai? And Eva aka Donovan is confused because of a 5 year old boy?

Do what Nicholas Cage did when he was still cool in that Arizona movie. Take the boy, that evil biker guy in the movie is your best buddy anyway from the looks of it, and all 3 of you can vroom vroom together towards a wonderful sunset towards a tranquil and fun filled life of hairy happiness!

Some people are just so wonderfully weird.

Nailed it! First try.

[Duchess]

How's it going, Donovan? Are you having second thoughts about leaving? I don't want you to be sad. I wish I could help.

[Donovan]

Today was the move. I don't generally change my mind when it's made up, this attempt was the first time I'd ever "gone back" and it's pretty clear why I don't make a habit of it.

Sad isn't exactly what happens. It's more a graying out of everything.

[Duchess]

Today was the move.

That's a big step, how did it go? Your new place sounds charming and I hope you can be happy there.

Don't gray out! It makes me think you won't be engaged in what is going on around you. You need me.

*adjusts halo*

[Donovan]

Move was fine. One of the unfortunate or fortunate side effects of having a goddamn flake for a dad was that we learned how to pack and skip at the drop of a hat. And no one in my family is bashful about pulling that trigger if need be. My new digs are already squared away to some extent, and I will be spending the next couple months reassessing. Kind of at a crossroads in a lot of ways. But don't worry, Duchess, I'm not crawling under my bed. It was a good experiment, but it failed. Nothing to be said for it but "oh well, we tried."

[Duchess]

But don't worry, Duchess, I'm not crawling under my bed.

I know you'll be fine. I was just trying to get you to smile.

[Donovan]

But don't worry, Duchess, I'm not crawling under my bed.

I know you'll be fine. I was just trying to get you to smile.

*coughnekkidselfiescough*

[Duchess]

*coughnekkidselfiescough*

I said smile, not laugh.

[Donovan]

postscript to the Jonovan/ Eva pseudo-saga: took a begging, pleading series of texts from the ex claiming all innocence, wanting me to come home, it was all a big misunderstanding and she didn't quite know how it all blew up in her face. I helpfully reminded her it was when she tried to sneak around window shopping for a better man and thinking I wouldn't find out. I said goodbye, she said she was dying inside and would be alone forever. Which in her universe is about a week, because that's when the punkinhead fool she stepped out with announced he was in a new relationship...with her. LOL.

So for those of you playing along, this relationship went from dedicated and pre-wedlock (March 28) to dead and buried (May 8) in about six weeks, start to finish. That's gotta be a record. Fuck me, I'm really bad at this whole "judging relative sanity" thing. Even as arrogant and humble-braggish as I am I'm having a hard time spinning this into a personal talent. Maybe if there was a demand for batshit-crazy-detector. Or maybe all these crazy bitches are perfectly normal until they meet me, and my hidden talent is MAKING them completely nuts. Maybe I should have been calling it "Sith mind tricking" all this time...

[Duchess]

Why are you taking all the blame for this? Don't let her blame her issues on you.

I think you're a great guy. I've never had one single problem with you.

[Love Child]

I assume he is being sarcastic and knows full well that it isn't his fault. I will say that your picker is broken Donovan!

[Duchess]

Donovan, HotD's button is ultra sensitive today. Just sayin'.

Ultra sensitive is one word but I thought it looked too dirty and I didn't want to use it because HotD is an angel.

[HairOfTheDog]

You're killing me softly here, Duchess.

I'm not just an ultra sensitive button prone to multiples, you know.

Again, I say, quit yer pimpin!!!