11-30-2011, 08:30 PM
Don't forget the fudge, Duchess, with walnuts and without. I get pissy if I go for Christmas cocktails somewhere and the fuckers don't put out some fudge.
Veggies and dip (I like dill dip and homemade hummus, you use the blender and canned chick peas, so no big deal to make) are first because I am still pretending to eat healthily. Me and the fatties are heading straight for the crudite.
Then I have a few drinks, and I go looking for the savory/salty. Nuts are okay, but cheese balls, sandwich fixings, and Old Fashioned Chex Mix are better (make it yourself, don't be an asshole and buy the bag, NOT THE SAME). Nothing fussy, please, I need to get some food in me before I start pouring it in.
At this point I think I am hilarious! I am laughing and making crude comments and making up shit as I go along. I start looking for the fudge now. I have the munchies and I don't care if the fatties see me eating some fudge. I know those bitches have a batch waiting at home for them. I don't like cookies. Chocolate dipped pretzels and fake white candy bark ARE NOT FUDGE, so let's not even pretend. I don't want to hold a plate anymore and work a fork to eat the fucking cake. Either have pound cake cut into bite-sized pieces (you better make the lemon glaze or I think you are a jerk for putting out dry pound cake when I'm buzzed) or some nice, small pieces of heavenly fudge. Not big pieces or some fake bitch will ask if I want to split one. I don't. Some fresh fruits goes nicely with the sweet. Pineapple, strawberries, and orange wedges. Then I can pretend it is early breakfast and sleep in tomorrow.
Then some coffee, please. Not the flavored creamers, those are gross. Your fancy friends will swoon, but I guarantee there is a person in the group who wants the little cardboard container of whipping cream or the fake non-dairy creamer (either one is okay).
I am thanking you now and leaving. YES, I'm okay to drive or I wouldn't risk it. I'm not a fucking lush.
Christmas with Cracker is over. You can go hump now. Clean up in the morning, just get the big chunks before you go to bed. Start the dishwasher and then start shedding some clothes...
Veggies and dip (I like dill dip and homemade hummus, you use the blender and canned chick peas, so no big deal to make) are first because I am still pretending to eat healthily. Me and the fatties are heading straight for the crudite.
Then I have a few drinks, and I go looking for the savory/salty. Nuts are okay, but cheese balls, sandwich fixings, and Old Fashioned Chex Mix are better (make it yourself, don't be an asshole and buy the bag, NOT THE SAME). Nothing fussy, please, I need to get some food in me before I start pouring it in.
At this point I think I am hilarious! I am laughing and making crude comments and making up shit as I go along. I start looking for the fudge now. I have the munchies and I don't care if the fatties see me eating some fudge. I know those bitches have a batch waiting at home for them. I don't like cookies. Chocolate dipped pretzels and fake white candy bark ARE NOT FUDGE, so let's not even pretend. I don't want to hold a plate anymore and work a fork to eat the fucking cake. Either have pound cake cut into bite-sized pieces (you better make the lemon glaze or I think you are a jerk for putting out dry pound cake when I'm buzzed) or some nice, small pieces of heavenly fudge. Not big pieces or some fake bitch will ask if I want to split one. I don't. Some fresh fruits goes nicely with the sweet. Pineapple, strawberries, and orange wedges. Then I can pretend it is early breakfast and sleep in tomorrow.
Then some coffee, please. Not the flavored creamers, those are gross. Your fancy friends will swoon, but I guarantee there is a person in the group who wants the little cardboard container of whipping cream or the fake non-dairy creamer (either one is okay).
I am thanking you now and leaving. YES, I'm okay to drive or I wouldn't risk it. I'm not a fucking lush.
Christmas with Cracker is over. You can go hump now. Clean up in the morning, just get the big chunks before you go to bed. Start the dishwasher and then start shedding some clothes...