NFL 2014

[HairOfTheDog]

THAT's the spirit. Can you show my girlfriend how to grovel like that?

I’d guess that she’s had plenty of opportunities to master the art of mocking your bullshit without needing any tutoring sessions. She probably also has at least an average 6^th grader’s vocabulary and could teach you the meaning of “grovel” and how to use it properly in context – though you might have to bow and scrape to her for the favor.

I'm trying to get my own reality show.

That doesn’t surprise me a bit – seems right up your alley – good luck!

SHIT there went my laptop again.

Be careful there -- the repeated three inch elevations might damage your laptop; that’s not likely covered in your Radio Shack warranty.

You're not fooling anybody, you know you chewed those carpets to bits and ate all those box lunches years ago.

No need to drool – they’re probably still on the market if you wanna make a bid for them. There’s some nice shag left on those carpets and the boxes still seal tightly. They simply didn’t suit my taste.

Just remember, if you need to capture the Amusement park Pirate ghost on your way back, it'll be old man Smithers in a mask. It's always old man Smithers.

Okay, thus far I’ve just been having fun with all of your blatant bullshit presented as matter-of-fact. But you’ve crossed a line on this one. Your false accusations against old man Smithers are borderline libelous.

I can see why you fantasize about him “always being the one”, given that he’s an obedient sycophant to a bossy man, always getting Burns in the ass in the process. But, MR. SMITHERS NEVER, I REPEAT NEVER, POSED AS A PIRATE GHOST AT THE AMUSEMENT PARK AND NEVER POSED AS A MASKED VILLAIN ANYWHERE ELSE, EVER.

Not surprising that you’d try to give your ideal pirate companion all the credit though, when it was actually a woman who master-minded and pulled-off the clever amusement park shenanigans.

Now, I have to haul ass - I have less than an hour to trim the bush (leading up the front stairs), seriously.