Post: #1

No-holds-barred jokes. Free-for-all funny fuckeries.

Don't come fucking whinging at us if you feel your rights are being trampled on in our fucking lame jokes thread.

Just post the jokes, don't fill this thread with shit like how much you enjoyed the joke or not -
we really don't fucking care.

Post: #2

Pakistani Police thought the floods there were caused by a Suicide Plumber.

Why did the Pakistani cross the road? To get his 20m swimming badge.

Please support the flood appeal for Pakistani homeless by buying the charity single "Raindrops keep falling on Ahmed"

What goes around comes around eh Pakistan....Those cunts have been flooding England for years!

Post: #3

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17^th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14^th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12^th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

Post: #4

What is the new gay website address?
c : enter £££ (see colon enter pound pound pound).


How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.


What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.


What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

What do you call two skunks that are 69ing?
Odor eaters.

What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
Snowballs.

Why do women have vaginas?
So men will talk to them.

What is the difference between a geneologist and a gynecologist?
A geneologist looks up your family tree and a gynecologist looks up your bush.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.

Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future, either.

Post: #5

This isn't just my jokes thread - it's everybody's!

Have you heard of the new diet fad that's taking Pakistan by storm?
Swim Fast!

Post: #6

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Cook it in a microwave until it's Bill Withers.

Post: #7

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by 1 point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the answer was Africa.

My wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentines night. Problem was she was rubbish at snooker.

I've heard the Apple have scrapped the plans for the new childrens iPod after realising that iTouchKids is not a good product name.

There's a new muslim clothing shop opened locally but I've been banned from it after asking to look at the bomber jackets.

You can say a lot of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

Post: #8

THE Italian Man of His House. With his Italian wife!

Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

His Sicilian wife Gina replied, 'The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess.'

Post: #9

Granddad remembering the good ole days!

Post: #10

Dear Twilight fans,

Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.

Enjoy fantasizing about that.

Sincerely, Logic



Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely, The Titanic



Dear J.K. Rowling,

Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?

Sincerely, Anonymous



Dear America,

You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

Sincerely, Canada



Dear Boyfriend,

I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.

Sincerely, Spiders



Dear Voldemort,

So they screwed up your nose too?

Sincerely, Michael Jackson



Dear Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...

Sincerely, Google



Dear 2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!

Sincerely, 1985



Dear Justin Bieber,

Ariel would really love her voice back.

Sincerely, King Triton



Dear Rubik's Cube,

Done!

Sincerely, Colorblind



Dear Santa,

Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho's.

Sincerely, Tiger Woods



Dear Fox News,

So far, no news about foxes.

Sincerely, Unimpressed



Dear Sex Educators,

Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.

Sincerely, The Virgin Mary

Post: #11

Dear 2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!

Sincerely, 1985

..........Bunch of good ones in there friend.

Post: #12

(08-11-2010 07:54 AM)God Wrote:  This isn't just my jokes thread - it's everybody's!

Have you heard of the new diet fad that's taking Pakistan by storm?
Swim Fast!

God, where's that money I have been asking you for?

Post: #13

Did you hear about the lady that went fishing with 4 guys?















She came back with a red snapper. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Post: #14

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, "Well, I'll be. His face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in, to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, "Doggone it, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
"The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, There's Bubba with them two assholes."