WAIT A MINUTE

[Midwest Spy]

How come there never seems to be a horoscope that reads something like this:

Sorry, fucker, you were born on the wrong day! You'll never amount to anything, so you might as well kill yourself now.

Why?

I'm sure there is one and I'll find it, MS.

What day were you born?

You know what I mean, right?

How bout just a little more realism? When you open the daily horoscopes there might be a chance yours could say 'stay indoors today, you may die in a car accident'.

That'd change it up a bit.

Or it could say shut the fuck up today everything you say today will confirm that you're an idiot.

Perhaps.

It may also suggest you need a shower.

Like right now.