Favorite Jokes

[Ma Huang Sor]

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a
poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a great Dane.

The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are you here?"

The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well.
I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here?"

The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The poodle and schnauzer ask the great Dane why he is here.

The great Dane responds: "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself. "

The poodle asks: "so she brought you here to put to sleep?"

"Oh, no...., I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."

[ZEROSPHERES]

Now there is an owner who really lovs her dog. Ma you post some really good stuff.

[Donovan]

This one almost always ticks somebody off when I tell it, which makes it automatically one of my favorites.

Two nuns are riding their bicycles through town when they decide to take a different route down some picturesque cobblestone streets. As they ride along one remarks, "You know, I have never come this way before."
The other one answers, "I know, me neither. It must be all the cobblestones."
"

[pspence]

This is my husbands favorite...

An extremely naive chick on her honeymoon calls her mom in distress and says, "mom, oh my, he wants to put his you know what inside me....her mom says "its ok sweetheart that's where babies come from". The next night the chick calls up her mom still very upset and says "mom, mom what do I do he wants to put his you know what inside my mouth!" The mom replies, " that's alright dear, that's where jewelry comes from".

[Ma Huang Sor]

So this couple is driving through California, and they come to La Jolla, which sparks an argument between them about how to pronounce the town's name.

The argument becomes quite heated, so they decide to stop for lunch and ask one of the locals how to pronounce it to settle the argument.

As they're placing their order the man says to the waitress "Can you tell me where we are, and even more importantly, how you pronounce it?

The waitress looks up and says very slowly "Burrrrrrrr Gurrrrrrrrrrr King"

[Teacher]

Don't underestimate an OLD woman .......


AN OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR SHUFFLED INTO TOWN LEADING A TIRED OLD MULE. THE OLD WOMAN HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE ONLY SALOON TO CLEAR HER PARCHED THROAT.

SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL. AS SHE STOOD
THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG
GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A
BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.

The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying, "Hey
Old WOMAN, have you ever danced?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID
DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU
OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD
WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF -
STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.

WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL
LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE
SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED
SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.

THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR. THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.

THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER LICKED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MAM... BUT... I'VE
ALWAYS WANTED TO."

THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:

1 - NEVER BE ARROGANT.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid...

I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

[Lady Cop]

i LOVE it Teacher!! thanks!

[HairOfTheDog]

This was one of my dad's corny old favorites.

Bob's in town and goes to visit his old friend, John.

Poor Bob, he's got a major case of intestinal gas and he's in great discomfort. After visiting for a while, he finally has to let out a silent but deadly one. Luckily, John's dog is lying near Bob's feet; John looks over at the dog and says, "gawd damn it, Rover, get over here!".

Having gotten away with it once and with Rover now at his feet again, Bob has to let go again several minutes later. Again, John calls out, "damn it Rover, get over here!".

Another 30 minutes or so pass and the same situation arises. Feeling confident, Bob lets out another and then looks blamingly down at Rover. At which point John calls out, "gawd damn it Rover, get over here before he shits on you!"

(Hey, I said it was corny, still makes me laugh though)

[pspence]

This was one of my dad's corny old favorites.

Bob's in town and goes to visit his old friend, John.

Poor Bob, he's got a major case of intestinal gas and he's in great discomfort. After visiting for a while, he finally has to let out a silent but deadly one. Luckily, John's dog is lying near Bob's feet; John looks over at the dog and says, "gawd damn it, Rover, get over here!".

Having gotten away with it once and with Rover now at his feet again, Bob has to let go again several minutes later. Again, John calls out, "damn it Rover, get over here!".

Another 30 minutes or so pass and the same situation arises. Feeling confident, Bob lets out another and then looks blamingly down at Rover. At which point John calls out, "gawd damn it Rover, get over here before he shits on you!"

(Hey, I said it was corny, still makes me laugh though)

That's a classic. Love it!

[Ma Huang Sor]

A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes
across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner.

"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape."

"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).

That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.

"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet. So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

[Ma Huang Sor]

A Scotsman is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.

To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my growler?" "Yes, I'm sorry, " says the Scotsman and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the growler blows him a kiss.

Wee Hughie, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the growler can do.

"I can also make it wink, " says the woman.

The Scotsman stares in amazement as the growler winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.

The Scotsman moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, The Scotsman replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

[Teacher]

Nurses Don't Laugh
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a
patient."


"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry," she said.. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.

[Ma Huang Sor]

[Ma Huang Sor]

This guy woke up one morning to discover he had a ring around the base of his penis. He had had wild sex the night before with a very nice lady, but had drank too much and forgot most of what happened after they made love. He tried everything to get it off, butter, oil, you name it. Nothing would work.

So in a panic, he went to the emergency room. The doc on duty had him drop trou, and after a quick inspection, left the cubicle and returned a minute later with a clear liquid, which he gently rubbed on the gents member. The ring came off instantly.

Relieved, the man said "FANTASTIC, doc! What did you use?"

Smirking the doc replied, "just a little lipstick remover"

[Teacher]

There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was
ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland
Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out
that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

[Ma Huang Sor]

[Clang McFly]

[Lady Cop]

this is an absolutely disgusting terrible racist joke.

for Cracker.

SEX IN THE SHOWER
In a recent survey commissioned by President Obama, African-Americans have proven to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.
The survey was carried out for Obama by a leading soap and toiletries firm. The results revealed that 86% of African-Americans said that they have had sex in the shower.
The remaining 14% said they haven't been to prison yet.

[Ma Huang Sor]

[Teacher]

Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."